Sisters and Mothers

I’ve just been rereading my earlier posts, and almost had to laugh–I have not felt very sorry at all that E is no longer an only child.  Yes, yes, I was right about all the little sweet moments I’d lose when R was born, but I hadn’t nearly anticipated the abundance of other sweet moments gained by watching E and R together, by holding them both on my lap, or by all acting like lunatics (as toddlers are wont to do) together.  The gain is clearly more than the loss.

The only thing that caught me utterly unaware was that I’m pretty sure E likes R more than she likes me.  Or anyone else.  She wants to use R’s blanket.  She wants to take a nap with R.  She wants to be just in the same room.  In short, she utterly adores her sister with an abandon that just won’t stop.  I thought it might, but it hasn’t dissipated one teensy bit.

Unless something changes, I’m beginning to realize that I may very well never have the relationship with my girls that my mother had with me.  Which is a little sad, in a completely selfish way.  I love my parents.  I have often desperately needed my parents.  My parents were my entire substantive social world for eons–more or less until S came along.  And then, with moving out (and away) things shifted a bit, but it was more of an expansion than an exchange–we still keep in very, very close touch.  If I need to talk, or need advice, one or the other of my parents is usually at the top of my list.

I have the vague suspicion, and maybe even hope, that E and R may be at the top of each others’ lists.  I know there’s a unique role of parentalness that siblings can’t fulfill (for instance–the aforementioned advice category), but for friendship?  My notion is that sisters may be better.  Longer-lasting, for sure; parents and children are separated by birth on one end and death on the other.

I hadn’t expected this, although I should have.  Mainly it makes me a little bit sad that I don’t have a sister of my own to have been a child with and to grow old with.  And more appreciative of the relationship–the friendship–that I have with my mom.

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