Wifehood

“Submit “As to the Lord.”

Sidenote: It has been suggested in a comment that I might define “submission” before I continue. So I’m going to do that in the next two posts. First, in this post, I want to define the depth of submission (how much do we submit?) and in the next post, I’ll be more grammatical about it and look at the meaning of the word in Greek, other uses of it, etc. The next post is already half-written and will, Lord willing, be posted sometime tomorrow. Now for today’s post…

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.
[Ephesians 5:22]

As to the Lord. Wow. Intense.

If there is one thing in the whole topic of submission that I find both most insightful and most terrifying, it’s those four little words. I know to what extent I’m to submit to the Lord: totally and completely and unquestioningly.

This is the same sort of command qualification as “love your neighbor as yourself.” It’s just so far out there–so extreme–that it’s really hard to wrap my head around it. It’s one of those instances where it becomes plain that it’s impossible to live Christianity as a simple rulebook… it’s too far-reaching… it’s who we are. They way we submit to God invades every aspect of our life, from sleeping and breathing all the way to decision-making. In the same way, Paul is telling us, we are to submit to our husbands.

When I think about submitting to God, I think about total, unquestioning, unwavering obedience. While I’m not perfect at achieving that level of submission, I do know very clearly what I should do. I don’t imagine myself talking back to God, or arguing with Him. I mean, if God were standing in my living room telling me that we are not going to buy a new coffee table, I think I’d probably give a frightened squeak and nod obliquely; end of discussion.

Of course, part of the reason for that is because God is scary, and also because He’s always right. Husbands, on the other hand, are neither! And the real question is, how does one submit to an imperfect husband in the same spirit as one submits to a perfect God?

I mentioned yesterday that I tend to endeavor to do whatever I think is right. I don’t mean morally (although that too!) but pragmatically. I do a lot of careful research before I make decisions, and I’m the sort of person who applies for scholarships and compares insurance companies. And sometimes, I know that I’m “right,” objectively speaking, but Seth doesn’t agree. And sometimes doing what he wants to do has negative consequences that I want to avoid for the good of both of us.

God doesn’t make bad decisions. Husbands do. And, unless it’s a moral issue, we’ve got to go along with those bad decisions. That’s our calling. That’s where the rubber meets the road! It isn’t just blind trust. It isn’t being brainless and not thinking for ourselves. Sometimes it’s doing something that goes against every fiber of your being! Sometimes it’s doing things that we know are stupid! And doing them cheerfully!

I remember when I was in junior high or high school youth group, and we’d go on retreats. And there’d be all sorts of really silly rules. No hairdryers. No going from point A to point B without an adult. The buddy system. As an adult, I understand the reason we put such things on teenagers, but as a teenager I thought, hmm, I wandered all around the camp by myself before the rest of the kids got here, but now that they’re here, I have to follow this stupid rule, like I’ve suddenly lost my sense of direction. It didn’t make sense. But I followed the rules anyway, because they were the rules, and being obedient to them was the right thing to do.

I think submission to our husbands is kind of like that. Sometimes the “rules” are stupid. Truly, objectively stupid. Our husbands are wrong sometimes. And sometimes the we don’t understand the reason for “rules,” because sometimes our husbands see things that we don’t see. (Hopefully that happens more often!) But either way, sometimes we don’t get what our husbands are trying to do, and we don’t agree with them. And what we have to do at that point is recognize that just like our camp counselors, our parents, our government–whomever–we are under their authority, and we follow that authority because to do otherwise is to sin and to displease God.

When God commands us to do something, we have to follow it and trust Him even if we don’t see the reason in it. Similarly, we must submit to our husbands’ leadership and decision-making even if when we don’t see the reason in it! And by submitting to our husbands “as to the Lord,” we also submit to God. To return to the child metaphor, we obeyed our babysitters because our parents left them in charge, and in a sense, to obey the babysitter was to obey our parents. In the same way, the authority our husbands hold over us, the source of our submission, is ultimately from God.

Wifehood

Submit “As is Fitting in the Lord.”

Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.



[Colossians 3:18]




Colossians doesn’t have much to say about submission. Paul doesn’t expound here on what submission is, or to what extent we are called to submit–he just commands it, and calls it fitting . That little word “fitting,” though, is an excellent place to begin talking about submission, because it answers a crucial question: why should we submit?

It’s not in my nature to be submissive. Even when I was a child, there were few times when I felt compelled by peer pressure to do anything. I remember very coherently in junior high wearing clothes that I knew were not in style, and I think I rather revelled in nonconformity. I’ve also tried to do whatever I thought was best regardless of what others thought. I don’t think I’m an overly domineering or bossy person, exactly, but I can be a know-it-all and I can also be pretty unyielding when I think I’m right.

So, bringing this into the sphere of marriage–I do quite well at being submissive, as long as Seth wants me to do what I want to do! But stray off that happy path and… well, there’s a reason I’ve picked submission as my topic du jour!

There do seem to be a few women out there who are more naturally submissive, stemming from anything from an internalized need to please or being “good-natured.” But I suspect that for most of us, we’re born rebellious and submission is continually a matter of internal conflict. So… we might think that being submissive is a virtue. We might think we’re doing pretty well. Conversely, if we’re not doing so hot on the submissiveness score, we might think we’re still okay, because, after all, it’s awfully difficult and so few women get it down pat. Maybe we’re not as virtuous as we could be, but it’s not like we’re living in sin, either, right?

But then Paul uses that little word, “fitting.” Not “submit as is a beautiful expression of love,” not “submit to earn rewards in heaven,” not “submit so others may see and learn from you,” but submit because it’s fitting.

I think that’s a bit of an archaic word in English, but the Greek is quite clear. The word is aneko (with macrons that I can’t get to show up), which carries the idea of attaining. In other words, do exactly what you’re supposed to do. Submission isn’t anything “extra,” it’s par for the course. If you’re submissive, you’re being what a wife is expected to be. Describing a Christian wife as “submissive” should be no more spectacular than describing a banana as “yellow.” Do green bananas exist? Sure, but nobody wants them. And when someone asks what color a banana is, the only answer that comes to mind is “yellow.” Similarly, “submissive wife” should be redunant; when we think “wife,” we should think “submissive;” and when we think of unsubmissiveness and wife in the same breath we should be appalled. It’s impossible to be a good wife without being a submissive wife.

Another thing worth noting from this passage: Paul doesn’t say “submit to your good husbands” or “submit to your husbands because they love you and deserve it.” He specifically sets the command in a very different context altogether: it’s fitting in the Lord . Our submission is unconditional, in the sense that it doesn’t depend on the character or actions of the man we’re married to. If we find it easier to submit to our husbands when they’re being nice and wonderful, then we’ve got to check that our submissiveness isn’t stemming from the wrong motivations! We submit because we are commanded and created to do so. And while it takes more endurance and strength to submit to bad husbands, or even to good husbands when they’re being unkind, God promises us the grace to do so.

There’s a reward that comes out of submitting when it’s difficult, too, but I’ll save it for a later entry. 🙂

Wifehood

On the Subject of Submission

Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
[Colossians 3:18]

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands….let the wife see that she respects her husband.
[Ephesians 5:22-24,33]

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be externalâ┚¬Ã¢â‚¬the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wearâ┚¬Ã¢â‚¬ but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.
[1 Peter 3:1-6]

Wifely submission is a complicated topic. I once posted an open query to a group of my friends, asking what, practically, submission “looks like.” I wanted a mental picture. I wasn’t married yet–I’m not sure Seth and I were even dating–but I figured there had to be some underlying attitude that characterized submissive wives: something I could emulate in my future marriage. I received no substantive response. We know we’re supposed to “submit,” but articulating exactly what that means on a day-to-day basis can be much more difficult!

I want, over the next few weeks (or perhaps a month and a half or so!) to do similarly to what I did with the cultivating heavenwardness “series”, by writing another set of posts focusing on submission. I’m a bit more organized going into this one, because I’ve been working on it for a while, and also because I want to focus on the important things moreso than just the things that I “like”. I’m not writing to cultivate a desire for something I already know is good (e.g. heaven) so much as writing to sear my own heart and conscience to better serve my husband and glorify God.

I’ll try to write the first entry tomorrow. 🙂